Realities of Expat Life

Life abroad is filled with excitement, new adventures, learning experiences and challenges. There is no need to be nervous about it. Everything will be fine in the end and so you will be wherever you may end up moving.

There are many things you have to think about when you are first given the option to relocate abroad with your own or your spouse’s job. Since traveling seems to be romanticized especially with the help and boom of social media, the world is filtered and filled with all the fantasies of experiences overseas. However, the reality of expat life is not as always glamorous as it may seem.

Life is full of surprises and curve balls. At the same time, it will gift you with a multitude of joyful and amazing encounters. Expat life has pros and cons just like everything else. Whether you see your life as a glass half empty or a glass half full, what you will gain from the experiences overseas will change.

1. Having A Career For A Trailing Spouse Is Extremely Challenging

Even in this time of technology and labor movement, it’s still extremely challenging to have a consistent career as a trailing spouse who has to move every so often. Each country has regulations for foreign workers. In most cases, a dependent visa doesn’t come with a permit to work in the local economy. You may not speak the local language, either. Job search as a trailing spouse in a foreign country can be nothing but challenging and in many cases, will end up being discouraging or frustrating.

In the last 16 years of my experiences in the expat life as a trailing spouse, I have only met a small handful of trailing spouses who have successfully pursued their careers. It is certainly not impossible. This is not to sound pessimistic, but to help everyone who is looking into this life style stay realistic and open minded.

I have met more expat couples who both work in Manila, Philippines, than any other cities I have lived. Besides the Philippines, it’s apparently not hard to find a job and work as trailing expats in Hong Kong and Singapore. Couples who have been able to find assignments overseas in the same city at the same time do exist. However, this can be extremely hard, industry specific and limited to certain countries.

Jobs That Could Work Overseas

The jobs that I have seen that seem to work out for trailing spouses from place to place, but are not limited to, are the following.

Teachers
Specialist jobs that cater to expats such as speech therapists, occupational therapists, and counselors
Sports Instructors
Photographers
Arts and craft business owners

This topic is a whole another blog post.

My Two Cents

I used to dread the question “What do you do?” It’s the easiest ice-breaker question to ask when meeting new people. Now I don’t care. I support and manage my family at home. I see beauty and importance in it. I’m not compensated for it, but I am proud of my job. I also blog. I am neither a famous or influential blogger, but I do this to keep myself happy and fulfilled in my life abroad.

My advice for those who will embark on a life as a trailing spouse is “keep your options flexible”. If things don’t work out, you’ll be okay. There are many volunteer opportunities overseas. It can also be the time for you to explore your other interests, learn about the country you live in and spend time to take up another hobby or learn a new skill. Take advantage of that opportunity.

My message to those of you who are an expat with a trailing spouse to accompany you to overseas assignments, please be understanding of his/her situation and know that this aspect of expat life poses a big challenge in his/her life.

2. You Will Miss Out On Important Events Back Home

I had never even imagined that I would not be able to attend both of my grandmother’s funerals when my husband and I embarked on this journey. I lost both of my grandmothers in the same year 14 years ago when we lived in Dakar, Senegal in West Africa. Our first daughter was only 3 months old when my paternal grandmother passed away. Then my maternal grandmother passed away 5 months later. It was also a few months before we were scheduled to leave Senegal for good to go back to the U.S.

I could not fly to Japan for the funerals or to be with my family at the difficult time of their loss. The timing made it difficult. The biggest reason was that we could not make it happen financially at the time. We simply did not have the money for me to fly out to Japan from West Africa. Not to mention that flying all the way to Japan from West Africa as a first time mother with a new born baby seemed extremely challenging and intimidating. This was the first time when the reality of this life style hit me.

My husband and I also could not attend the wedding of his cousin whose ceremony took place 4 months before my husband would complete his assignment in Dakar, Senegal. It is probably difficult for most people to understand that expats overseas don’t get to fly whenever they want to even for an important reason such as weddings of family members. Especially several months before ending the assignment is the toughest time to take a leave of absence.

My Two Cents

This is one of those things one can’t control. All we can do is to let go and accept what comes our way.

Life overseas offers many adventures and new experiences in exchange of some precious gatherings and time with old friends and families. It sucks. However, when you can be part of some events that mean so much to you, you have more appreciation for the opportunities. You realize nothing should be taken granted.

3. You May Be Stuck In Your Foreign Country

When your passport is being renewed overseas, you will be in the condition where you don’t have a passport in your hand for a short period of time. Depending on how visas are renewed in your host country, you may have to turn in your passport to the local government. This means that you will have a period of time when you cannot leave your foreign country you reside in.

If your visa is expired, you would not be able leave the country until the visa is renewed properly. You might think how could it be possible, but I have seen cases where people could not depart until the visa was renewed.

As for myself, I was in the situation one time recently where my passport was at the local government office due to a visa renewal when I received a message from my home in Japan saying that there was a family emergency. Unfortunately, I was not able to fly to Japan for the occasion because I didn’t have my passport with me. It was a mere bad luck.

My Two Cents

It is important to be on top of your passport expiration dates and visa expiration dates so that you can be prepared for any scenario. Check your passport dates occasionally. When you are overseas, you never know what kind of emergency situation could emerge.

4. Options for Professional Help Will Be Slimmer For Expats

Access to the best professional help available overseas for anything is limited. For those who come from advanced countries, you have a wide range of options for help back home. Overseas would not be the same because of the language barrier or due to lack or resources in some countries. You may get lucky and be posted in the country where the resources and care is better than your home country.

If you are in need for a professional help for kids with challenges or disability, you will probably find the choices being limited compared to being back home. Some might find someone wonderful in the expat community, though. There are always exceptions for this, but in general, options for high quality professional help and care in certain fields for children overseas are more limited than being back home.

If you are in need for speech therapist, occupational therapist, and psychiatrist for your children, try to contact schools you may want to apply for your child(ren) in the city you will be moving. You could get the feel of the school and its environment. The school administration might be able to refer you to some of their contacts that may help you.

My Two Cents

There are professionals who do consultations online and over Skype. It’s not impossible to get help even if you are overseas. That being said, this aspect may become a deal breaker for some families in terms of taking a job overseas. It would be good to discuss with your therapist or counselor in your home country and get their advice.

5. It’s Difficult For Kids To Have Consistent Lessons To Acquire Skills

Every time a family moves from one country to another, parents have to find new teachers and schools for their children to continue with their extra curricular activities. It is not an easy task. In fact, I find it daunting. Each move and transition will be very disruptive for kids’ learning. It will feel as though you take 3 steps forward and then you take 2 steps back when you move to another city.

If a child has a talent in something, it might get frustrating for him/her or his/her parent if they can’t find a great instructor for sports or musical instrument for instance. The language barrier or the difference in method may discourage a child from learning. Because of all these reasons, it is not easy to acquire skills for expat kids when they have to move once every couple of years.

My Two Cents

Since expat children can’t have consistent training and access to best instructors or coaches available, they may lose opportunities to excel in their talents (if that is something that they want). However, remember that they will gain many other skills and invaluable experiences.

You will find a good instructor, team or class. Eventually. Start networking as soon as you arrive or even before you arrive through school community or expat community. International expat groups in every city are the best source of information for anything related to your future post.

6. Are Kids Really Resilient?

In terms of transitioning to a foreign country, kids are as affected as adults. It is a lot for children to take in. The exception for this may be children at the age of 5 or younger.

Children also tend to mirror their parents’ emotional state, especially the negative one, and how parents perceive their host country and adjust to a foreign life. You rarely encounter children who are positive about life overseas when their parents are depressed or have a very negative view towards the life abroad. However, I have seen the reverse where parents may be very positive, but the kids are not happy overseas.

In my opinion, the statement “kids are resilient” can be too dismissive. It makes it sound as if parents don’t need to extend help to their children during transition. I’m all about letting kids figure out while I keep a close eye on them. There are kids who struggle to get adjusted to life overseas. There is nothing wrong with them. It is vital for every child who goes through a tough time to know that he/she has a strong support from their parents/guardians. To know that their parents or caregivers care about them and have their back provides an emotional support.

For those expat children to have a place to feel safe is also a key for their happiness. Kids go through a lot of stress adjusting to a new school, making new friends, and being away from their comfort zone where they are familiar with their surroundings and have their own circles of friends. If your child seems to struggle to adjust to a new country and environment, try to be empathetic. Listen to your child. Share your feelings and experiences about adjustment. Let them know how proud you are as a parent. Seek professional help through school if that is necessary.

My Two Cents

Whether children are brought up in a home country or abroad, they encounter life challenges as they grow up. They can survive a tough adjustment period due to relocation. It will allow them to grow stronger and resilient. It will provide them with tools to use in their future. They will appreciate the experiences when they are older.

In my observations, it is hard to take notice of issues when kids are young. However, if issues were not dealt with properly or in other words, they were not nipped in the bud, it seems to resurface as bigger and more serious issues when the children are in adolescence.

I’m not a professional psychologist or counselor as you know. However, I can say that love and support, even a tough one, from parents, means the world to children. I am speaking from my own experience as a grown-up third culture kid myself.

7. You Will Deal With Loneliness

Making friends takes time. Like a long time. When you first move overseas to a country where you live for the first time, it is daunting to realize that you don’t know anyone who surrounds you. You are a complete stranger to everyone there.

At the very beginning of your stay, you will be in a honeymoon period where it feels like you are on vacation. It is after you move from a hotel to your housing, your spouse starts working, and your kid(s) starts school, when you start to realize that the new life overseas is your reality and it is no longer a holiday. You start to deal with loneliness that comes from not having friends in the same city whom you can call and talk about personal matter or just to hang out.

Employed expats travel a lot from overseas. Except for school teachers whose job would be to stay in school and teach, most expat workers travel extensively either domestically or internationally. In many cases expats find themselves having to travel more frequently than they used to when they lived back home. The trailing spouses would be left alone or alone with kids in a foreign country. It is intimidating. The pressure to hold up a fort is big and real.

My Two Cents

You will make new friends. If you are posted in a country where expat life is considered hard, you will find amazing friendship that you probably might not make back home. Just know that you’re not alone. The expats around you will extend hands if you need any. There are tens of thousands of expats in the world. Thanks to social media, you can connect with them and seek advice. There are numbers of expat-base and mixed social groups in your local community you can join to make new friends. Friendship might not come as smoothly as you wish, but be patient and open. You will find friends with whom you can share common values.

8. Sudden Changes May Throw You Off

We’re no stranger to changes in our lives. In fact, changes are the only constant in our lives. That said, expats are prone to drastic changes in their lives more so than those who live and work in their home countries. Why, you may ask? Expatriate positions are more affected by the economy and management of companies and the situations of a hosting country.

Assignment could cut short suddenly. You may arrive in the country thinking you would live there for 3 years. Then suddenly the situation changes and you are having to relocate back after one year. You receive a year-long assignment, but you may end up staying overseas for multiple years. A sudden political change, economic crisis, or natural disaster may force expats to move out of the country. A health issue of an employed expat, trailing spouse or a child may result in relocating back to the home country. You may lose your expat friends suddenly for those reasons.

The big difference in these types of situations for expats is that often times sudden changes in companies or hosting countries only allow expats to have a very short amount of time to prepare for a move. The whole family has to be uprooted and moved somewhere else. A change of school, change of house, and change of country all happen at once. Usually there is nothing you can do about it.

My Two Cents

You will be trained to be flexible. You will be able to find zen moments in the midst of a crazy transition. There is always a silver lining to every situation. Things happen for a reason. You have to relax. Everything will be fine and turn out to be how it should be.

9. Will Moving Abroad Strain Or Strengthen Relationship?

Some expats decide to legally tie the knot so that they can be together. While there are many success stories, there are also stories that do not end happily ever after.

Some may think that moving overseas may help or add spice to their relationships. Changing a location won’t save a relationship just like having a baby won’t automatically save a marriage. Moving is one of the top 10 most stressful events in life. If marriage is already in trouble, it is something to be addressed and dealt with prior to a big move. The reason is better explained in Number 10.

Moving overseas tests relationships. Every move puts a lot of pressure on individuals. Differences in handling paper work to how to prepare for the move to how to deal with pressure to how to adjust to the new environment all define the differences between two people. It is vital that two parties communicate well and always try to see every situation from the other person’s perspective to have a successful relocation.

If two people are committed and the marriage is based on a strong foundation, moving to a country where temptations exist should not be concerning. Moving overseas from a home country means moving away from your roots and to some extent reality. Some people seem to get detached from the reality and forget where they belong or came from which I think contributes to the number of infidelity that happens overseas. Going overseas will test the relationship, but you shouldn’t be scared. Focusing on each other, always trying to be considerate to your partner, and grounding yourselves will help sustain a good marriage and relationship overseas.

My Two Cents

It might take some time, but you and your partner will learn each other’s rhythm for a successful relocation. We have made mistakes and have had many fights. The number of quarrels increase and we tend to be short on patience for each other during the busiest time of preparation for an international move. However, we try our best to stay positive. I practice the following and they seem to work.

1. Plan ahead of time for everything.
2. When we get too busy to talk about important relocation items, send an email message.
3. Try not to disagree with your partner right away and accept his/her ideas.
4. Find an ideal timing and wait till then to talk about something that needs to be decided.
5. Take a break and do something fun together.
6. Don’t blame your partner. It won’t help.
7. Express your gratitude towards the help your partner provides.

Always remember that the stressful time will pass. Everyday is a day closer to the goal, your departure date.

10. Troubled Marriage & Dealing With It Overseas Is Tough

Wherever people are, issues in marriage are difficult. The second highest stress in life comes from divorce. When you live overseas, marriage issues can become more troublesome and complicated to deal with. It sounds like relocating abroad with a troubled marriage is as if carrying a bomb with you waiting to explode. You may think what kind of people would do that. Believe it or not, people do it for various reasons. More frequently than you think.

If you live in your home country, you have a support system. In case you need to move out from your home, you may be able to move into your friend’s, move back with your parents or rent an apartment. The same does not apply overseas. Many times, the couple who have already become indifferent to each other may have to live in the same house or apartment until an adjusted living situation is arranged. You won’t be able to fly back home easily, either. If children are involved, it gets even more complicated.

Here is a good article to read to understand why divorce is more difficult overseas.

Dealing With Expat Divorce, Part 1: Why It’s Different for Expats

Thoughts

It is one of life events people can’t predict. At the same time there are people who pretend to neglect the issues even if they are aware of them until they can no longer avoid. I hope that those expats who are dealing with marriage issues will find the strength to overcome the challenge and move on.

There Will Be Time You Look Back On Expat Life

If you become an expat through a job assignment, chances are that you will settle back in your home country eventually. Some people immigrate to another country or retire overseas. You will have many episodes to recount after you retire from an expat life style. You will be able to laugh at or smile at some experiences that were stressful or horrible at the time.

Life is too short to not to appreciate the challenges that come with an expat life. Enjoy it!

 

FOR LATER ON YOUR PIN

 

ARE YOU MOVING ABROAD SOON?

Here’s a post you can read to help you prepare for the upcoming move.

TIMELINE FOR OVERSEAS RELOCATION ☆ HOW TO PREPARE FOR A MOVE ABROAD